Day Six Hundred and Seventy-Six (T-58): The Naughties

Yes, that is what I’m calling the 2000s. Deal with it.

I’m also aware that there was no year zero and thus decades could be considered to start with the year ending in 1, just like millennia. To avoid that argument completely I’m saying that this is about the ten years beginning with 2000 and ending with 2009.

So I wanted to write up my last post of the Naughties (get used to hearing that), and in doing so, wanted to try and encompass the last ten years in some sort of list. Such a unique idea, it’s a wonder no one else has thought of it before.

I could do most important moments, but for a native New Yorker that’s probably going to start and end with a day in the fall of 2001.

I could do music, but my tastes changed so violently that trying to account for what I liked in 2000 would cause me whiplash.

I could just do something haphazard, but that’s no fun, and wouldn’t get the masses a-chatting.

It had to be something I’ve loved, one way or another, from January 1st, 2000, to the moment I’m writing this on December 29th, 2009, and presumably for the next two days as well.

And with these criteria, the only possible answer was: movies.

I was basically a little kid when the Naughties began. I didn’t know enough to find Michael Bay incredibly dull (which is a far greater sin of his than making dumb movies). The movie I was really looking forward to that summer was the first "X-Men." And I only happened to see the winner for Best Picture because it was an extremely popular movie (Gladiator).

These days, if it’s nominated, I will see it, because I want to be part of the conversation. Even if it looks horrid (like a particular musical that balances of the awesome of Daniel Day-Lewis with the awful of Kate Hudson and Fergie), I don’t feel I’m in a position to judge the state of the year’s cinema without at least watching it on my little laptop screen.

I see big movies and small movies, American movies, French movies, Korean movies, comedies, action flicks, dramas, and so-called chick flicks. Every movie has the potential to be a kick-ass experience, though the chances are somewhat lower if it’s a “message” movie written by Paul Haggis.

I’ve had dark times and good times in the Naughties, and through all of it, I was watching movies. Growing up two blocks from a big blockbuster theater and three blocks from an indie one, there was nothing I couldn’t see if I wanted to. And so I saw everything. And, aside from, you know, actual movie critics, I think I’m in a fairly good position to offer you a list of my favorite films of the Naughties.

But first! Some other awards.

By the way, these are all possibly spoiler-icious. So if you see me mention a film that you haven’t seen and wanted to see, skip to the next one. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.

ONE MORE THING: If you would like to disagree with my choices, feel free, but you must also offer your own top ten for us to disagree with. Seems fair enough.

Best bad movie: The Wicker Man

Just watch this. All I have to say is, it is absolutely no less ridiculous in context.

How’d it get burned, indeed, Mr. Cage.

Worst bad movie: Dirty Love

Let’s see. Starring Jenny McCarthy. Written by Jenny McCarthy. Directed by Jenny McCarthy’s ex-husband, whom she divorced just after filming. (The DVD commentary between the two of them is hilariously bitter.) And, let’s keep going, it’s the most desperately unfunny comedy I’ve ever seen. It starts with her just fucking screaming on a city street. It devolves into her flailing around in her own menstrual blood at the supermarket. While that may sound “funny” to people who are into gross-out comedies, trust me, it’s not.

The difference between this and the Wicker Man is that the former thinks it’s hilarious, and the latter simply is.

Biggest letdown: Superman Returns

You could go with a lot of sequels here. But the Matrix 2 was pretty cool until they went nuts with that Architect shit, and thus the third one couldn’t have been expected to be that great. Pirates 2 was fun until they wouldn’t shut up. Spider-man 3 was a close runner-up for this spot (Emo Spidey? WTF?)

But I went with Supes.

Reasons I was excited for this film:
1. I had never been old enough to see a Superman film on the big screen. This could have been awesome.
2. Hey! Bryan Singer!
3. Kevin Spacey! Why not?

Then I saw it.

My thoughts went as follows.

“Oh, so the whole movie is.. gray. And Lex’s big plan is… to create a continent where people will buy land even though it’s 100% jagged rocks. I see. And the climax is entirely Superman lifting shit in slow motion. Exciting! And Kate Bosworth? Fail.”

Can they please make a new Superman movie where he gets to fight someone? Jesus.

It wasn’t a baaaad movie. It was just so zzzzz…

Most pleasant surprise: The first “Pirates of the Caribbean.”

Oh, we all liked Johnny years ago. We assumed it would be at least worth watching. But it was based on a theme park ride, it was a Disney/Bruckheimer movie, and pirates hadn’t been cool since “Hook.” But then we all saw it, and it was funny, and charming. It was on TV the other day. It’s still funny.

(But then they kept making them…)

Okay, finally, we can move on to the top ten.

Mind you, these are my ten favorite. I may or may not consider them the ten best.


10. The 40 Year Old Virgin

Of all the ubiquitous “bro” comedies of the last half-decade or so (or maybe more, since I guess it started with “Old School”), this one remains the best. The sort-of-pro-abstinence message is annoying, but all the little things remain so funny.
No, Andy, they don’t feel like bags of sand.

9. The Lord of the Rings (yes, all three)

I suppose it’s cheating, but they were filmed at the same time, they take place more or less at the same time, and they’re all part and parcel of a massive cinematic experience. No, I really never ended up caring that much about Frodo’s quest, but they’re a film landmark and deserve to be honored as such.

Particularly Gollum.

8. The Wrestler

I wasn’t that upset when Sean Penn won last year. Mickey got his comeback, and he’ll be in Iron Man 2 next summer. He’ll be fine. And it sort of fits the (well-worn) story, where he never really gets quite back to the top, but keeps doing what he’s doing.

You really want him to succeed, don’t’cha?

7. Traffic

I bet some of you forgot about this movie.

I wish Catherine Zeta-Jones would reappear. She kicked some hardcore ass as the drug-dealing former housewife. And any movie that puts Don Cheadle and Luis Guzman together as partners knows what it’s doing.

Bonus: it made Benicio Del Toro an Oscar winner. Sweet.

Here’s the trailer.

6. Mystic River

I wasn’t as much of a fan of the rest of Eastwood’s output in the Naughties. “Million Dollar Baby” was fine, his WW2 double dip was pretty good but not transcendent, and “Gran Torino” totally didn’t earn that Jesus pose at the end (can movies stop with this?).

But “Mystic River” just made me very, very sad. And, considering it was back in 2003 that it came out, it was actually the very first movie I watched because it was up for awards. I had to hide my face when (spooooiler) we found out that Robbins was innocent, because you knew it just wasn’t going to end well.

Yikes.

5. Borat

I’m not writing out the subtitle.

Suffice it to say that this is the only movie funny enough for me to have seen it twice in the same day. And really, no one had seen a movie like it before or since (and “Bruno” wasn't like this).

As everyone has been saying since then, "Nice!"

4. The Dark Knight

Even if Ledger wasn’t dead, this movie would still have set the bar for all future summer movies. Its exclusion from the Best Picture race was expected, but pissed so many people off that they added five more movies to the category this year, just to make sure such a thing didn’t happen whenever the third movie comes out (can that please be tomorrow?).

This should have been the reason Michael Bay will no longer be directing movies. Good thing “Transformers 2” didn’t make enough money for another sequel. (Sigh...)

Yeah…

3. The Incredibles

There is simply no movie on Earth that makes me happier than this one. Not a single one. Even though there’s sadness in it, it is 100% joy.

Brad Bird, keep doing it.
Also: Edna fucking Mode.

2. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

It took me a few viewings to get my head all the way around this one. But once I did, holy shit! Michel Gondry! Charlie Kaufman! Kate Winslet! Even Kirsten Dunst isn't annoying! Has that every happened before?

And, hey, Jim Carrey can act! So stop making shit like “The Number 23!”

These are the first 8 minutes.

1. The Departed

You were expecting something else? I saw this movie in the theater 12 times. That’s my record and nothing else is even close to it.

And every single time, the crowd freaked the fuck out when this happened. And it was glorious.

And there’s my long-ass list.

Share yours with me, and have a fantastic new year!

Peace and love,
Justin PBG